Why This Matters
People are not born with the necessary capacity to seriously injure themselves. In fact, people have strong tendencies towards self-preservation.
— Dr. Thomas Joiner, Why People Die by SuicideIf you've lost someone to suicide, I want you to know that suicide is not an impulsive decision. Your loved ones did not wake up one day and do it. They resisted. They fought. They held on longer than anyone knew. And then they lost a fight with their own mind. To die by suicide, a person must overcome a fundamental law of human nature, self-preservation. Often termed "the first law." So, to take your life is not something a mentally weak person can do. It takes courage.
This is not to glorify suicide. Instead, if you're considering suicide as the only solution to your problems, I am asking you to redirect your courage:
"Have the courage to imagine your life going well."
— Dr. Meg JayIf you're struggling with depression and suicide, I know certain things about you. You're not mentally weak. You're still here. If you're struggling with past trauma, the younger version of you already survived those things. Don't let them down. If you are currently going through something, persevere. This season will pass. Throw it in the character development category that all of your favorite movie, anime, and TV show characters had to go through. Have the courage to imagine your life going well.
We're going to address the top symptoms that lead to suicidal behavior. The logic is simple — if we address the most problematic symptoms, we can lower the rate. That is what solving suicide looks like.
What Qualifies You to Write This?
To have a theory, even a false one, is better than to attribute events to pure chance. 'Chance' explanations leave us in the dark; a theory will lead to confirmation or rejection.
— Karl MenningerDr. Thomas Joiner, one of the foremost researchers on suicidal behavior, opened his book Why People Die by Suicide with a call: "a new theory is needed."
I acknowledge this article as a theory, but I refuse to believe that antidepressants or therapy are the only answers. I refuse to believe that because you've been diagnosed with depression, you're required to live with it. And I refuse to believe that we're not capable of solving this.
That refusal is where this starts.
The Misunderstood High Performer
A depressed patient whose depression is lifting is more likely to kill himself.
— Dr. Thomas Joiner, Why People Die by Suicide, pg. 58I was grateful when I read that quote, because this is when I was most afraid of taking my life. Everything was trending up. I had overcome my weaknesses, but I still had the voice in my head. The voice: "You will never be good enough. You are worthless. People would be better off without you." I was afraid I would take my life, so it was time for me to tell my doctor I was struggling with depression. I was presented with two options: a therapist or antidepressants. I chose antidepressants. I went to the pharmacy to pick them up. Drove home. And when I put the first pill in my hand I immediately threw them away. It didn't make sense to become dependent on medication when I knew I had the capacity for genuine happiness without it. Luckily, moments later, I remembered a quote:
"We often dissect our failures and forget to dissect our successes."
— Matthew McConaugheyI am not saying antidepressants are wrong for everyone, but I am saying this: a solution whose side effect is "may lead to increased suicidal thoughts" can't be the best solution. So, rather than dissect our failure (depression), let's dissect our successes (capacity for happiness). What was contributing to my happiness? That became the new problem we were solving for.
The gym. There is plenty of research on the positive chemicals released when working out. You should be working out. Life is hard. Working out is one of the only things that gives you progress you can see and progress you can measure. As Teresa Amabile, a Harvard psychologist, put it: "Progress, no matter how small, is the biggest motivator in our lives." The joy you will get from the body you earn is something you have to experience.
Improved overall appearance. I had a body, but my skin and my clothes were not up to par. I spent two years getting facials, chemical peels, and piecing together a new wardrobe. "Look good, feel good" — right? Don't you feel better when your clothes fit and your skin is glowing? The joy you will get from the looks you earn is something you have to experience.
Quotes. This is the primary topic of this article — because remember, we were already in a happier place, but we would still inevitably relapse to depression. Quotes prevent the relapse. Quotes helped me understand that my mindset wasn't wrong, I just needed to reframe it. Here are the quotes that opened my eyes:
Lazy people do a little work and think they should be winning. But winners do as much as possible and still worry if they're being lazy.
— UnknownI'm never gonna be my hero, but that's alright because it gives me someone to keep on chasing.
— Matthew McConaugheyThe voice inside your head that's never satisfied with your achievements isn't your insecurity. It's the part of you that knows you can do more.
— Alex HormoziIf you have the self-talk I had, chances are you are a high performer. You are wired to pursue more, to refuse to settle, to bridge the gap between where you are and where you believe you should be. Embrace it. The alternative is a peaked-in-high-school mindset. Matthew McConaughey says, "less impressed, more involved. We must be more than just happy to be here." I know, I've quoted him a lot. Can you blame me? The guy is known for coming up with the greatest one-liners on the spot. Here's the reframe for your inner critic:
"I am not good enough… but I am capable of getting better."
The mindset you will get from the quotes you remember is something you have to experience.
How Childhood Adversity Contributes to Hopelessness
Biological deficits, exposure to trauma, and the failure to acquire adaptive ways of tolerating and handling negative emotions all contribute to suicidal behavior.
— Marsha LinehanHold onto that phrase: failure to acquire adaptive ways. Not because you failed. But because no one gave them to you. You will be given an adaptive way before this article is over.
As a kid, you have three places: home, school, and practice. At home, I was treated like Cinderella. At school, I was bullied. At practice, players threw basketballs at me, and members of the wrestling team would put me in holds I couldn't escape. Where would I have found peace?
My identity was fractured too. To Dominican kids, I was "gringo" because I didn't know their lifestyle. To white kids, I was Mexican, Black, or any derogatory term you can think of. To Black kids I wasn't Black. To be fair, I went to a "take your tractor to school day" high school, so I was set up for failure. But I didn't belong anywhere. I was not welcome at home, school, or practice — and no ethnic group would claim me either.
Remember, I was a kid. I was trapped.
That is when you experience hopelessness — when you're stuck. Stay stuck long enough and it becomes the narrative you tell yourself. When you're in it, it feels like it'll last forever. But it won't. You will eventually graduate high school, leave your hometown, and leave your house. Hopelessness is a concept, not a reality. You're not hopeless. I believe in one universal truth: everyone is capable of progress. If you are capable of progress, you are not hopeless.
Solitude vs. Loneliness
I instantly realized that everything in my life that I'd thought was unfixable was totally fixable — except for having just jumped.
— Golden Gate Bridge survivorDr. Joiner identifies thwarted belongingness — loneliness at its most extreme — as one of the core conditions that enables suicidal behavior. Simply put: the feeling that you do not belong. That no group, no family, no community has a place for you. Sound familiar?
What if we reframe loneliness and call it solitude? Pablo Picasso wrote: "Without great solitude, no serious work is possible." What if the lonely chapter is an opportunity to create a better version of yourself? One of the greatest joys in life is exceeding people's expectations. When you disappear, come back, and people say: "Wow, you lost so much weight," "I could hardly recognize you," "When did you get that car?" When people have low expectations for you, that is a good thing. It means it will be easy to exceed their expectations. So, embrace solitude. You are the canvas. Create a work of art.
A father said to his daughter: "You have graduated with honors, here is a car I bought many years ago. It is pretty old now. But before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you."
The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, "They offered me $1,000 because they said it looks pretty worn out."
The father said, "Now take it to the pawn shop." The daughter went to the pawn shop, returned and said, "The pawn shop offered only $100 because it is an old car."
The father asked his daughter to go to a car club and show them the car. She returned and told her father, "Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it because it's a Nissan Skyline R34 — an iconic car sought by many collectors."
The father said: "The right place values you the right way. If you are not valued, do not be angry — it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value."
Everything in your life is fixable. Including where you belong. The right room for you exists. The people who will be changed by knowing you exist. The version of you who exceeds your expectations exists. You cannot experience that if you are not here.
You Are Not a Burden.
People who are contemplating suicide perceive themselves as a burden, and perceive that this state is permanent, with death as a solution to the problem. Their perceptions are mistaken.
— Dr. Thomas Joiner, Why People Die by SuicideThe word perceived matters more than any other word in this section.
People who struggle with perceived burdensomeness don't think, "They do not need me." They think, "They would be better off without me." Better off? That is why we highlight the word perceived — because if this is your perception of yourself, you are mistaken. It's within your control to make sure that isn't true. Let's walk through how to address that.
The solution to perceived burdensomeness is not therapy alone. It's contributing. If you are contributing — anything, at any scale — you are, by definition, not a burden. You are an asset.
Go "buy your momma a house." Hold the door for someone, compliment someone, buy your friend their favorite snack just because. You do not have to change the world. Make someone's day.
"Confidence looks good on you." — When you see someone stepping out of their comfort zone.
"You did a great job with your mascara tonight." — Women spend time on themselves. Acknowledge it.
"You put yourself out there — that's admirable." — Someone said this to me and it stuck. Brené Brown calls this Daring Greatly.
If you want to be acknowledged, acknowledge people.
If the people around you still make you feel like a burden after you have given your best — that is a reflection of them, not a verdict on you. Get away from those people. Doing your best is more than enough.
That covers every symptom we set out to address. Now here's the problem with everything you just read.
Here's the Problem
How many of the quotes in this article do you remember?
You read them. Some of them hit you. Maybe one of them shifted something. And now — a few minutes later — you can't remember them. That is not your fault; it's a universal problem. We encounter quotes, we appreciate them in the moment, and then, one swipe later, we forget them. Or we screenshot them, they get buried in our photo gallery, and we never revisit them. We overlook quotes. The posters on the wall. The quote on your desk. The one tattooed on you. But they're the solution. More specifically, memorizing quotes is the solution.
When we memorize quotes, bible verses, and affirmations, we train our brain to think in quotes, bible verses, and affirmations. See how that gets wordy? Bible verses and affirmations are quotes, just called something different, so let's stick with quotes. I'll say it again — the same way quotes helped us navigate and understand those symptoms, they'll help you navigate your life and your emotions, if you remember them.
It didn't make sense for me to say, "training your brain to think in quotes is the solution" without providing a tool to help you do that.
So, I studied the science of memory, focused on spaced repetition and effortful retrieval, and built an app to make it a universal skill.
The Solution is MyQuotes.
Save quotes, bible verses, and affirmations as you come across them. MyQuotes schedules reminders that show up on your lock screen and in your notifications — so the quote you need finds you when you need it, until you've trained your brain to think that way.
Why MyQuotes Was Built
Randy Pausch, in The Last Lecture, wrote something that I carry with me everywhere:
"Everyone has to contribute to the common good. To not do so can be described in one word: selfish."
— Randy Pausch, The Last LectureI solved a problem in my life. I cannot keep that to myself. That would be selfish — and I refuse to be selfish.
I am sharing this because I was not supposed to make it. Every symptom we've discussed, I have experienced. Other warning signs, like slower speech, longer pauses, and isolating myself, are still things I am trying to outgrow. But I can genuinely say, there is a 0% chance I would hurt myself. There are places I haven't seen, food I haven't tried, and women I haven't experienced yet. God willing, I'll get to enjoy those gifts.
Final Words of Encouragement
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I know that if you are in the middle of it right now, that verse will mean nothing to you. It wouldn't have encouraged me at 15–22 because you'll just want it to stop. But one day, it will mean something. I am asking you to survive long enough to understand the words. When that day comes, let me know. When MyQuotes helps you, let me know. My TikTok is @brandonubiera.